PROFESSOR. (Entering). What to do? I’ll tell you. Let’s have sex.
WIFE. That’s a surprising proposition.
PROFESSOR. Good! Sex shouldn’t be planned. It’s only good when it’s spontaneous. It should be sudden like a whirlwind, unexpected like an earthquake. It should catch us by surprise, when we’re not hoping for it, where it doesn’t seem possible. Do you agree?
WIFE. Yes.
PROFESSOR. Then let’s start now.
WIFE. Not so fast.
PROFESSOR. But you said you agreed.
WIFE. I agree in principle. Not to your proposition, but to what you said about the whirlwind and earthquake.
PROFESSOR. If you agree in principle, then let’s get started. We can work out the details as we go along. Or when we’re done.
WIFE. I don’t have time.
PROFESSOR. Neither do I. So let’s not waste it. Let’s get started right away.
WIFE. I am not used to doing it “right away.” I need time.
PROFESSOR. Nonsense. Imagine you’ve been swept up by a whirlwind.
WIFE. Besides, we don’t really have time. By the way, what time is it?
PROFESSOR. You’re kidding! Who has sex with a watch in his hand?
WIFE. What makes you think that I want to have sex?
PROFESSOR. Everybody wants to have sex.
WIFE. But not me.
PROFESSOR. So what do you want to do? Learn to speak German?
WIFE. I don’t want to do anything. And definitely not have sex.
PROFESSOR. You don’t want to have sex at all or just right now?
WIFE. Not at all.
PROFESSOR. That’s why you’ve called me?
WIFE. Me? I didn’t called you. Who are you, anyway?
PROFESSOR. I am a world-famous professor of psychiatry, psychology and sociology. A sexologist and sex pathologist. Treatment, consulting, lecturing. I get rid of complexes, inspire self-confidence, free people of their inhibitions. I cure frigidity and impotence. I satisfy the unsatisfied. It’s very hard work. Lots of calls. I get very tired.
WIFE. Are you a doctor?
PROFESSOR. Not exactly. I am a sex consultant. I teach, give advice, help to solve problems, cure any illness, everything.
WIFE. Why everything, if you’re just an expert on sex?
PROFESSOR. Because lack of sex is the cause of all illnesses. Now do you understand why you feel bad?
WIFE. What makes you think that I feel bad?
PROFESSOR. You told me you don’t want to have sex. That’s a type of derangement.
WIFE. Do you think I’m crazy?
PROFESSOR. No, I didn’t say that. Madness is normal because we all live in a mad world. The abnormal one is the person who’s normal. But I’ll cure you.
WIFE. How?
PROFESSOR. I have a universal remedy: sex three times a day. Instead of meals.
WIFE. I agree.
PROFESSOR. Excellent. But the patient has to be very healthy to take this cure. Are you healthy?
WIFE. Yes.
PROFESSOR. Then there’s no need for me to treat you. So let’s just have sex. Do you know what it is?
WIFE. I once knew, but I’ve forgotten.
PROFESSOR. Do you have a husband?
WIFE. A husband and sex are two different things. And besides, I’m not sure if I have him.
PROFESSOR. What?! You don’t even know if you have a husband?
WIFE. I have him, but I don’t know whether he is my husband.
PROFESSOR. My dear, now I see. You need to start life all over again. And I’ll help you. Nobody in the entire world knows what sex is, but me. I have devoted myself to it completely. I have given it the best years of my life. I studied it in libraries and archives, at lectures and in museums, at conferences and seminars.
