CONSULTANT: But what does physical violation have to do with a funeral?
DIRECTOR: Nothing. That’s the trick of it. One time I set up a welcome ceremony for a foreign leader, and do you know what I came up with? Naked girls with an obscene tattoo on their breasts came running out to meet him at the airport. That bit of film got airtime on every station worldwide.
MAN: And what did the foreign dignitary say?
DIRECTOR: He was very pleased. The girls were just what the doctor ordered, and he became a household name all over the world. And before that, no one had even heard of him. That’s how a success is made. And when I was directing an orchid festival in Singapore…
CONSULTANT: Sorry to interfere again, but this isn’t a stroll down memory lane. It’s a rehearsal.
DIRECTOR: The word “rehearsal” in Latin means “repetition,” my dear girl. With a real director, though, no rehearsal is ever a repetition of the same old thing. It’s a quest for, a promotion of, new ideas.
CONSULTANT: Setting someone up to be violated doesn’t strike me as a good idea.
DIRECTOR: First of all, pussycat, nobody asked you. Second, that’s exactly how the funeral should go, in my mind’s eye. As a great director once asked, “Where’s our next surprise coming from?”
CONSULTANT: You think that a televised sex act will surprise anybody?
DIRECTOR: To be honest, I’m not sure. I’m putting this idea out only as a working hypothesis. And what do you think would surprise today’s viewers?
CONSULTANT: Well, for example, a show that comes across as logical.
DIRECTOR: That’s old hat. I always have to be ahead of my time, not trailing behind it. That’s why my shows have more hooks, obscenities, violence, and all the rest of it than anyone else’s. Food without pepper and spice is bland and tasteless.
CONSULTANT: The only people who say that don’t know how to cook a tasty meal.
DIRECTOR: I’m used setting the tone, and that’s not something I’m about to give up now. The spectators are supposed to leave my shows in a daze. That’s real art. And that’s why I’m the world’s best director for large-scale public events.
CONSULTANT: Are you sure everyone shares your opinion?
DIRECTOR: I don’t care what others think of me. What’s important is what I think of myself.
CONSULTANT: I don’t want to offend you, but I know a better professional than you in the field.
DIRECTOR: (stung) That can’t be. Who is he?
CONSULTANT: Never mind.
DIRECTOR: No, tell me his name! I know all the professionals in the field.
CONSULTANT: Not now. Time’s too short to be discussing ratings. The funeral’s almost here. We have to work.
DIRECTOR: You’re way out of line. What next? Hustling me along, telling me how to stage my shows? By the way, who are we burying?
A pause. A phone rings.
What the hell – whose phone’s ringing again? I told everyone to turn them off!
CONSULTANT: It’s your phone.
DIRECTOR: Yes? (takes out his phone) So it is.
CONSULTANT: (with a slight grin) By the way, why didn’t you turn yours off?
DIRECTOR: Because most of what I’m doing isn’t being done here, but all over the city. Hundreds of people are on it, as I’ve already told you. And besides, I am me. (into the phone) Hello!.. I’ve told you before: the full-dress rehearsal is at two a.m. Everybody must be on the main square by then. Make arrangements to get them there and take them away again. You have thirty buses for that… Don’t forget the microphones and the flowers… And what about the horses?..
