Ouroboros or the world inside out - страница 10

A person may be given a long and happy life without shocks and losses, but if they are anxious and depreciating, they will live this life unhappily, constantly worrying about the future and devaluing the present. The expectation of unhappiness is actually unhappiness – one experiences similar emotions. When they look back in old age, they will think: “Where was life itself? I didn't live at all”. So, the reward of a peaceful life can be poisoned by the venom of Ouroboros, because anxiety spoils the happiest life with the expectation of trouble, and devaluation turns it into “nothing.”

So, what is anxiety? I think it is defenselessness against the pressure of external reality. This pressure is the same for everyone, but some people feel it as excessive – it seems so to them. Apparently, this is an echo of the instability and unpredictable behavior of significant adults in childhood. Such people look at the world through the prism of illusion, where absolute happiness, peace, and security are perceived as the norm – this is the state of a baby in the womb. Anything that differs from this state of infantile “paradise” shifts the psyche into the area of fear. “What if I can't handle the pressures of reality?” – “Disaster will happen”.

A person who feels the excessive pressure of reality will feel defenseless and therefore anxious and will look for protection externally. However, any source of that protection will be felt as pressuring. Thus, for someone seeking a protector, the situation will probably be worsened by the fact that, in addition to the pressure of the outside world transforming into anxiety, the pressure of the protector will appear. A paradox arises, in which the defense only increases the pressure, and thus anxiety. A vicious circle is formed: anxiety → search for a protector → increased pressure → increased anxiety. The protector will seem to be an authoritarian, freedom-restricting, rejection-inducing mentor. Therefore, if a person seems controlling, we need to examine whether we depend on them totally, strongly, or at least in some way. If we do, then perhaps it seems to us that they only press us. If we do not, then apparently this person is like that, and it is worth limiting communication with them. The only effective way to reduce anxiety and external dependence is to seek protection and support within ourselves.

An accumulation of anxiety leads to an anxiety affect that I have named the Catastrophizer. I will discuss the Catastrophizer in detail in the chapter about illusions because it is entirely deceptive. For now, I will only say that the Catastrophizer is the most severe form of anxiety and, accordingly, auto-aggression, with the longest trail. In this state, it is impossible to think productively; the flow of dragging dialogues cannot be stopped. There is a feeling of stupor, as the Catastrophizer cuts off access to reality, forcing you to sink deeper into illusions, watch TV series, and flip through news feeds to distract yourself from fear.