Ouroboros or the world inside out - страница 11

Ouroboros, our purveyor of illusions, has many faces, and it is not easy to defeat him. The battle is not for life, but for death, and it is necessary to keep track of all the various tricks by which he can instantly turn from a cute lizard into an all-devouring dragon. Anxiety is another such trick because it increases the “stream of consciousness,” which indicates the intensification of illusions. And where illusion is activated, auto-aggression is invariably activated.

In auto-aggression, there is no exit to reality – it is an enclosed space where the personality beats itself up. If one traces the moment of appearance of this inner “aggressor” in consciousness – the moment when reality does not correspond to illusion – then there is a chance to stop, by an effort of will, the mental dialogue that has begun. If this is not done, then the sense of reality will be lost, and one will have to go through the whole cycle of ouroboric affect.

Thus, auto-aggression arises from the impossibility of reaching the ouroboric “paradise” – an illusory dream of an ideal life, i.e., from the impossibility of uniting with one's Reference Image. Anxiety arises from the prospect of reaching the ouroboric “hell.” The argumentation of the Ouroboros, which inspires us with both illusory dreams and illusory fears, is similar – “look at others – see, they got…” and further depends on the context of a particular illusion:

To “paradise,” i.e., they've fulfilled their dreams, live happily, are rich and famous, or

To “hell,” meaning they've had a catastrophe, lost everything, which means you have a chance to fulfill your “dream” or face “disaster.”

So, it doesn't matter whether we dream or worry, auto-aggression will always happen in the end.

If we pay attention to ourselves, we will realize that at the moment anxiety intensifies, the flow of thoughts increases significantly. If we try to trace the direction of this flow, we will find that it is directed towards the negative. Mentally, we are constantly replaying probable unpleasant scenarios and trying to prevent their realization. But all this is completely pointless – it is not a plan of deliverance, but an agonizing merry-go-round on which the consciousness tries to find a way out of a situation that does not even exist in reality.

I mentioned that my path to understanding my psychological processes began with one sleepless night. But I had countless such nights, often having difficulty falling asleep and frequently waking up at night, only to fall asleep again 10 minutes before the alarm clock.

Now I'm awake, lying down. The apartment and the street are quiet; nothing frightening is happening, and yet I can't fall asleep. What's stopping me? It is this continuous flow of disturbing thoughts, these agonizing dialogues in my head that hinder me. They create that inner noise that wakes up the brain, not allowing it to sleep. Just when I am about to fall asleep, suddenly some thought comes again, and the brain starts working idly, trying to solve a non-existent problem. I shared my thoughts on this matter with a friend, and this is what she said:

“I have not thought about it before, but now I think we are trying to get rid of unnecessary noise, such as the importance of silence at home. It is important to remove visual noise – no shouting objects or mess – so that the eye can rest. And thoughts are the same noise. They disturb us greatly and make us tired”.