Ouroboros or the world inside out - страница 19

For example, if an infant was born to a cold and rejecting mother and did not feel loved, a detail called "Unconditional and Comprehensive Maternal Love" will be integrated into their reference pattern of «happiness». This is the kind of love the person will seek as an adult, without success, because such love is only possible between a sensitive mother and her newborn child and never occurs in normal adult relationships. This person will not be looking for a partner but for a replacement for the empathetic mother they lacked in childhood, who intuitively met all the needs of her baby.

Or, for example, if for some reason, an infant felt defenseless in childhood, a detail called «protection» will be integrated into their reference pattern. As an adult, this person will constantly seek external protection. If parents could not provide a stable environment during childhood, a detail called «stability» will be integrated into the reference pattern, and the person will perceive the absence of changes as "happiness".

However, since all these details – love, protection, stability, material welfare, beauty, etc. – formed the illusory reference pattern in the past, most often in childhood, they carry a childish, infantile vision of these concepts that have not undergone transformation. It is obvious that an infant and an adult understand concepts like love and stability very differently. A personality that has successfully passed all stages of psychological maturation changes its perception of these concepts. An adult will never be as defenseless as a newborn and, in most situations, can protect and provide for themselves. An infantile person, however, retains the notion of childish defenselessness in their reference pattern and seeks the kind of protection a child needs – comprehensive and often suppressive, as protection in childhood always involves a restriction of freedom.

Similarly, stability for a child and stability for an adult are different. Childlike stability, which is the absence of change, is often detrimental for an adult, who must develop. The lack of a stable financial position in childhood will lead an adult to seek money based on a childish idea of what it is and how to spend it.

This means that the illusory reference pattern is strongly detached from the reality in which a person lives. It corresponds to the reality of the age and conditions when it was formed. Additionally, it contains details that do not fit well together or contradict each other, such as "career success" and «stability». It is a dream-Frankenstein, made up of unmet needs from the past, plots of movies and books from youth, and dreams from different time periods. These disparate fragments are sewn together by the illusion of feasibility and dangled in front of the ouroboric personality like a carrot in front of a donkey.

In adulthood, this reference pattern is either unachievable (such as unconditional love) or, if achievable, dysfunctional and ridiculous. Upon achieving it, one realizes that the embodied dream does not bring satisfaction. For example, if a woman grew up in a family with an aggressive man, she felt defenseless and now seeks the kind of protection a child needs. She will find such protection and end up with an overwhelming and controlling husband. Later, she will complain to a shrink or friends that he "deprives her of freedom" and "does not let her breathe," making it «unbearable». Nevertheless, the ouroboric psyche will continue to strive for this reference pattern, ignoring reality.