While studying the structure of my personality, I had recurring dreams where I was walking barefoot on a dirty floor (in the common hall of my apartment building, in a public toilet) or on the dirt of the street (on my way from work to home). Sometimes, I would suddenly notice I was shoeless, or I was forced to take off my shoes by a public toilet worker who insisted they were clean and I would dirty them, despite the floor being covered in wet mud. In the dream, nothing prevented me from washing my feet and putting my shoes back on, but for some reason, I didn't do it. Reflecting on these dreams, I realized they symbolized «inferiority» (ouroboric «unhappiness» or vulnerability), a humiliated and helpless state I periodically sink into when comparing my life to my reference pattern or to others.
I believe that this sense of inferiority, combined with the illusion that someday something will happen – a chance encounter or lucky coincidence – that will end this inferiority and vulnerability and replace it with full-value and superiority, is what drives the ouroboric wheel. Inferiority is a crucial point in this system. Without immersing oneself in it, the illusion becomes unnecessary. Escaping this state is both easy and difficult.
It is easy because no one but ourselves forces us into vulnerability, and if there is coercion, we can resist it by simply refusing to humiliate ourselves. It is difficult because our entire previous life has been spent in this state, and we have no experience of life outside of inner inferiority.
Our experience of life follows this paradigm: comparing oneself with the reference pattern → inconsistency → «inferiority» → auto-aggression for inferiority → waiting for an «event» that will lead to a connection with the reference pattern to achieve «full-value». This means I carry the reference pattern of myself and my life, I do not match this pattern, I reject myself, and I am in a state of inferiority. While in this state, I believe in the illusion that it will end when the desired «event» happens. Simultaneously, everything else not included in this cycle is devalued. The «event» does not happen, the feeling of inner inferiority persists, and the ideal remains unattainable. It is necessary to break this vicious circle. To stop believing in the "event," to give up the reference pattern of oneself, to control the manifestations of vulnerability, and to get out of this state by an effort of will. And wait for the state outside of this rut to become a routine.
