When the decision is taken, it is necessary to begin an arduous struggle with yourself, which is even harder when you are a woman.
Svetlana sighted, dropping ashes on the floor, and painfully landed on the ground. Sitting on the chair, she agitated, sweat covered her forehead, everything inside was turning upside down. She sensed that earthy is winning over all pure and clean in the unfair fight. She could not affect the situation, not seeing on the earth such a clear feeling as existed there, above. She will simply die without it like a fish without water. Not remembering how she ended up on the couch, Svetlana recalled Maxim, being little boy, when she first noticed him in the crowd of the dressed up students on the first of September. They didn’t know each other at all then. First grade student came up to her and silently gave her flowers. Mature woman, used to the flowers and attention from men, was astonished by that present. All years before their next meeting she was surprised by the thoughts of this boy, understanding with horror that she was falling in love with him… She was shocked by the fact that she didn’t know his name, and that he was not much older then her son… She has a totally different love for him then for her son. This love confused Svetlana, didn’t let her live peacefully. She caught herself thinking, that the feeling was not just captivating or enjoyable. Svetlana was overanxiously afraid to confess: her love was very strong, so strong that she didn’t want anything else from this life, other then this insane, clean, virginally sincere love, essential like water, air, snow… All in life is worthless without this feeling. When she pronounced Maxim’s last name, not knowing yet that it was his, Sveta had no premonition.
She even wanted to cry at that moment: he had such eyes! She saw the same feeling in his soul, like in the mirror and realized that she loved him even more insane. At that time, she started to worry about having a child… It was so many years ago, Gosh! Svetlana tried to run away from her thoughts but they didn’t yield. She was scared to tell it to her husband. She imagined that he would suspect something or would understand something; what he was going to understand Svetlana didn’t know. She was scared of that even more, that someone would find out about her feelings, especially her husband. When she was assured by the sincerity, honesty and even sanity of Maxim, she still doubted her strengths. Then, finding courage, under control of that fear she could not control herself, and under the influence of the strength of emotions she finished her plan to the following consequences. «What did I do? Heavenly Father»! Sveta covered her face with hands and started to cry, letting tears flow and thought that those tears would be the last in her life, that now she would surely change and become a different person. However, Maxim’s love was torturing Svetlana all the time, as if someone was leading her, following all her steps, not giving a chance to walk freely. Svetlana, searching for a solution, was getting confused and could not concentrate on her actions, saying not what she wanted, but something that was against her thoughts and wishes. As it seemed she was making mistakes, acting with little benefits for herself, and with more for others. Svetlana berated herself for that, thinking, that weakness and uncertainty made her act this way. Time was passing by, her actions made other people happy; then she looked at herself differently. Not stepping on herself, her pride and ambitions, her ego, she would not be able to bring so much positive, unless she was guided by this life. Why does she feel she is so weak, or vice versa, so strong? Svetlana could not figure that out, letting the time giving the answer to that.
